Discovering You and Me
by Pumpkinee
Summary: Du is telling his emotions and feelings right before he is forced to detonate his gundam in a ruthless battle. Giving his final thoughts and words to his friends, Duo tells life his ideas of what it has done to him, and apologizes to the other pilots


Disclaimer: I own my precious cats, and if you try to sue them away from me, I will HURT you badly! Own kitties, not Gundam Wing. Say it with me, now Own kitties, not Gundam Wing! Mmm, good enough.

MS: * reading wickywoo's Wings fanfic* Huh? Whu? Oh, yeah! This fic was inspired by the author wickywoo's GW story called Wings. Actually, if you've read the story, it's not anything like it whatsoever, and it really doesn't even head slightly in the same direction. Nevertheless, it inspired me to draw, and we all know what happens then....^_^;; From then it went to inspired fanfics, and we ended up here! Well, anyways, I really like this idea of a fic, and I hope you do too. 

Peach: Please review. It's all we have to live off of, and I take all reviews. As long as you sign the box with something, anything, I'll love ya. Thank you, and please enjoy.

Oh, and any warnings.... Swearing.... Hmm, if you can't stand sad or depressing fics, then this probably isn't for you. It takes a psychological look on things, I guess you could say.... But not in a happy way. It's about a deeper, sorrowful life and helping friendship, no pairings, so it's safe for everyone to read. Let's see, what else.......Oh, who knows. On with the fic!

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Flashes of light dazzled my eyes as fire burst out in behind in the cockpit. Sparks flew everywhere as flames blazed all across my gundam. The legs began to shake and trip as I lost any and all contact from the main controls. I could smell burnt hair as I shook my braid from the bits of raging fire that had landed on it. This was it; there's no where to go but down.

Giving up all hope to rewire my system's parts to manage themselves, I dug around the safety hatch, trying to pull from it the one thing that stood from my life without certainty to my death with my soul--the self detonator. I hesitated a second, wondering if this was the only way now that I could help the colonies. Death? Was death really the answer? And if so, why my death....? It cannot be helped, I told myself. I am one of the select few who are destined to die saving people I have never met.... people who don't even realize that I am part of their world. So why me? Why do we have to pick certain people to go on death missions to save a world that is doomed anyway? This world will never be at peace, not as long as humans are here. Disgusting, filthy, greedy humans. Maybe we should all die anyways.... We bring no good otherwise. Death should serve us all justly.

I was snapped back into my surroundings as another spark from the control panel exploded in my face, burning the skin off in layers at a time. Dammit! Where is that machine, the one thing now that can bring me salvation and revolution from this world that has rejected me from the beginning? I finally felt the burning hot metal scorch my palm as I connected with for one final time. This is it, old buddy.... I'm not coming back this time.....

As my thumb wrenched its way to the top from the tangled cord about my wrist, I was thrown back feet into the scalding wall behind me. An explosion..... I know this explosion.... Only one thing could bring something so big to this empty world--a gundam destructed. Right away a pang in my heart told me that even if by some miracle, improbable and impossible, I was saved, the only way I could be with all my friends once more was to attend the funeral that marked the brave soldier that died without knowing who he was dying for. Why do we chose to help these ungrateful people? They don't care for anything except their own rotting skin. If we die, then what? Hire new replacements. No, _buy_ new replacements. As if the life of one who died to save you is expendable, and as long as you save your own infested hide, you're okay. Sick bastards.....why do we fight for them?

A burning hot rage swept through me to the tips of my fingers. It lingered there, pulsing like my heart was. My heart that's full of crushed hopes, defeat, fear, anger, and sorrow beyond anything a common person could feel. I furrowed my eyebrows, clenching the hot metal tighter in my hand. Goodbye to you, my friends. Goodbye to the only things that kept me together. The only people who cared enough to smile and wave at me, to take me in and feed me at their own expense. This is to you, and I'm sorry I have to leave you. There is just no more room in this world for me, I can tell. And this is to you, my loving companion, my friend and honorable partner, my Deathsythe. Thank you for sticking with me, as you have never let me down. But I let you down too many times to count. I'm sorry, but it looks like I can never make it up. I won't have any time to repent for the things I have done wrong in this torturous hell we call life. But is it really a bad thing? And why should I, a soldier who lives only to carry out the commands of his officers, take blame and responsibility for the wrongs committed because of other people? These other people who don't care whether I live or die, as long as they get their backs saved? This world makes me sick.

I'm sorry to you who love me. I really, really am, and will stay so as long as your sorrow of my death lives on in your hearts and minds. I wish I could have done better, I know I could have done better, but only as long as you are by my side. You are the wind beneath my wings, the only reason I keep on living and eating and getting up in the morning. You are my love, my support, my friends, and some of the only happiness I have ever experiences in my life. Let yourself go from this job, escape while you still can. Unfortunately, my time has already run out, and I never escaped the black hole I was sucked into. But it's not too late for you, so as my final wish I want you all to be happy. No matter what it takes, I know you can find the strength in your heart, the motivation in your spirits, and the inspiration in your powerful emotions. You are the strong, the determined, the faithful. Don't waste these precious qualities on nothing. It would be shameful if you died at the age you are now, without living life as you want, without freedom of anything, without the recognition you deserve. That is why you must escape before you too, must give up your chance to be somebody out there, as I did. It's not too late for you, as it is for me and all the other trash out there. I have no more future to share with you, no more open nights to just sit and talk. I have no more time to enjoy the little things in life, or be grieved at the sorrowful things. I am no longer able to see you smile or laugh, able to hug you and hold you close. I cannot hang out with you, try new things with you. I was never able to discover me, what truly makes up my personality, traits, and my characteristics. I was never able to reach the prime years, never able to be considered a senior in anyone's eyes. I won't be able to have a midlife crisis, I can't get married, I won't have kids. And although all of those things will always sadden me to know that I can never have them, what grieves me the most is that I shall never be able to spend another day, another minute, another hour with you. You gave me everything, and now I must be selfish and take anything I could have given you to the sands of the Earth, where I shall lie forever more. I can be nothing but a mere memory, slowly fading and wasting away in the minds of the few souls that cared me. I am sorry.

I shall never be able to see you again, for after death I shall not be in the same place with any of you. You are all too kind, generous, and special to go to the venomous hell that calls to me. You are too great to be caught inside torture chamber that I was destined to since birth. I bid you farewell, and let you know that you shall all remain in my memories. Memories that will never fade or dull, memories that I will live for the rest of my existence. Although I cannot touch your soft cheeks, become embraced in your warm arms, feel your emotions wash over me ever again, I shall relive the memories for the rest of my days, because that is all I have.

I am already lost in the world where bloodshed is considered normal, but you are still free. My shackles chain me down here, and this shall be the place I remain every second that passes by. I am a lost cause, but you can save yourself. It's not too late, it's not too late to begin anew. I beg of you, save your innocent soul and jovuluent spirit of the merciless chamber that binds me eternally. I have faith in you.

I regained me composure and returned my thumb to the spot that would bring me to an end in this pitiless hellhole. I clenched my eyes shut tightly in fear of watching myself cause my own destruction. I didn't want to see myself as a killer, but as a savior that brings mercy to my bedraggled and downtrodden soul, yet my mind could only tell myself as a killer, a murderer of the human race. But was it really my fault? It was people that told me I must sacrifice my life in a situation like this. I am as expendable as a bullet--I am used when my master wants to. More can be made if necessary, more people can be trained in my place. I am worthless. My life has a cheap price on it. My individuality doesn't count worth shit. I am without a purpose but to kill.

My anger soared through me once again, brushing my fingertips with a rage that consumed every part of my body. So this is how it's going to end. I am sorry to have bothered you in my struggle to stay alive. I guess it really is kill or be killed. Everybody is a murderer in one way or another. A broken heart, a careless act, a meaningless time that happened only to blow away time, as one person sees it, while the other is crying and dying inside.

I hate you, world. I hate everything about you from the disgusting humans you hold to the flowers and plants that remind you of a time that once was and that will never come back. I hate all the pain you left on my doorstep, all the misfortunes you gave to me. I hate all the sorrow and grief, all the anger and hate, all the rage that built up inside of me because of your cruelty. I hate you so much! Only God gave me help. Only God gave me mercy, pity, love. He was the only one who gave me something that could ease the pain away. He sent me angels, heavenly souls with grace and beauty, and they shined with love and kindness. But it wasn't enough to keep you satisfied. You weren't done making me miserable. You took these precious angels and you slaughtered them. I was left with nothing. God felt my loneliness once more, and sent some down once again. But you placed us in a surreal life that no one could enjoy. You didn't want to see me happy, did you? You couldn't settle with the fact that I had those few friends in the entire world. You wanted me to be miserable. You couldn't face that after all the shit you piled up on me since I was born, I was happy. You were jealous.

So you placed us in hell on Earth. You have already taken one of my saviors only for the sole purpose of my suffering. You take pride and enjoyment in that, don't you? Only a sick bastard like yourself would. You and all the people that follow you in any directions. The people that become you slaves, that follow anywhere you lead them, in any situation they say, "Hey, I've been good to you. I've been faithful. I do what you want of me. I am as a disciple to you, a soldier under a captain's commands. So please save me, and I shall follow you again, great and wise master." Don't make me sick. I will never become one of your demented lackeys that do not think with their own God-given brains. And this is why you want to make me suffer, isn't it? You do not like my free spirit and my mouth that speaks what's on my mind. I bet you just can't stand people like me. Well, too bad, sucker. I ain't dying for you.

I breathed in deeply, taking my last breath of air, as smoky and dirty as it may be. My eyes tightened shut further as slowly at first my thumb reacted to my brain's signal of moving down onto the button. This is it, cruel world. These words finally make sense to me.

A sudden fuzz noise made my finger hesitate as it began to push gently on the silver button. I stopped for a second to look upon the screen of my fiery gundam. The room was full of thick black smoke, covering the screen of the familiar face. I scrambled to the command controls, choking of the smoke even from the floor. There was no reason to bother standing up and walking. I shall be gone from this place in but a few moments.

As I neared the screen close enough to see and hear a frantic yell, my eyes grew wide as I fully realized what I will be leaving behind.

Quatre's head was center on the screen, and seconds later, Trowa's worried face appeared right next to it. Life could never touch me again as long as these few guardian spirits stayed by me.

"Duo! Duo! Please, please, are you okay? Don't, please don't go through with this. We can still save you, I beg! Please!" Quatre's pleas echoed in my ears. I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Quatre Winner. I should have been able to protect the most innocent of us all. I didn't mean to let you down.

"Duo! Heero's already left us! You can't, too!" Trowa screamed to me in panic and fear. The same panic and fear I have felt too many times in my pathetic life. "It's not fair! Don't do this to us, you can't leave us!" Trowa Barton.....I tried for you, but only received failure. I couldn't do it, I'm just too incapable. My apologies to you, my friend.

My only other companion's face appeared on my screen in an instant. "Maxwell! You can get past this, even if Yui could not. You are not weak like the rest of them, you have shown me this. You just can't do this!" Underneath your mistreated and abused shell, you really are a kind friend, Chang Wufei. I'm sorry for not letting you know earlier. You have had as many losses as the rest of us, and you still remain powerful and influential. But I'm not strong enough to overcome this. I'm not strong at all, unlike you. I didn't mean to let you down, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you, and even the impeccably perfect stone soldier, Heero Yui. I give you my apologies as well, even if it's too late to take them. I wish I could have told you all sooner, but my courage failed me, and I became too cowardly.

I am not brave like any of you, I am not strong, I am not skillful, or a leader, or anything but the scraggliest of the scrawny. I am not worthy of your presence, or intelligent enough to help you with even the simplest of problems. I am sorry that you have had to put up with a me that's so different from you. So much worse. And I thank you, as well. You have shown me things that cannot be put into words, brought me memories that I could not forget if I tried. You brought a revolution to occur in my life that could not have happened without your love and kindness. I cannot repay you, but you have my deepest gratitude and respect for all millennia to come. I am sorry to have been a nuisance and a pain in your lives. I am sorry.

In unison as team that I once belonged to, I heard my first name called out as I clenched my eyes together and squeezed the handle of the detonator. I opened my eyes and looked up at my friends one last time for all eternities to come, and smirked. The self-destruction button was set off, and I became a lost soul forever more as the sounds of combustion reverberated in my ears. So this is what death sounds like, feels like, tastes like. My life flashed before my eyes as I was thrown from the cockpit of my dying friend and out into the open battle. I could no longer hear the sounds of the bullets that grazed me, the explosions from my mecha. I didn't even see the battle that raged around me, the fire that flew into me, the suprised looks on soldier's faces as they saw my nearly lifeless body fall to the blood red grass. I saw the Maxwell Church, Father, and Sister. There were my friends from long ago, my friends from now. Heero, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, and more. I drowned in my memories from long ago, from two seconds ago. Moments I would never forget. I saw Quatre's tear streaked face from when he was hurt. I saw the first time Heero and Trowa smiled at me. I heard my name, my name Duo, being called out by Wufei. I heard the choir of Maxwell Church sing the sorrowful lullaby from so long ago that I still remembered from my days as a child. I was home at last.

As that slow, final tune played in my head, moments before I was violently thrown to the awaiting ground below, I closed my eyes, and began to cry. I was finally free.

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MS: In the last two paragraphs, I began thinking of the final song to Cowboy Bebop played in the last episode. It goes, don't you think? I really liked how this turned out, and I hoped you did, too. And if you didn't, I'm not sure why you're even reading this. I wouldn't even force my friends to read this if they didn't like it (I'm not that mean!)

Peach: We would really really appreciate a review from you! Tell me what you like, what you don't like, and whether I should write another chapter or not. We are paid to do this only by the reader's reviews and comments! Ah, 'tis a poor life to be but an author......

MS: Oh, and I would at least like to thank wickywoo for inspiring me for the idea, and my Suppi-chan for the music she played me when I saw her that long time ago. It really helped in writing a few of these paragraphs because it's really touching music. And most of all, thank you, readers! I couldn't do anything without you!


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